The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

VE Day

A mere nine months too late, the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK decided on a good-cop approach for her statement to the House of Expenses Claimants on invoking Article 50. She got the best joke in early: "now more than ever, the world needs the liberal, democratic values of Europe - values that this United Kingdom shares", and went on to deliver a series of pious platitudes about special relationships and sincere co-operation which are contradicted only by the words and actions of the Home Secretary, the Foreign Secretary, the Brexit Secretary, the International Trade Secretary, the Lord Chancellor and the dead-eyed warden herself. She pledged to work in the best interests of everyone in the country, including the EU citizens whom the Home Office is ordering out, and babbled yet further about regaining what we haven't lost and taking control of what we control already. She ordered everyone to come together and work together in optimism and hope, because some people can take independence too far; and she ordered the Euro-wogs to give her a deep and special relationship, with lots of co-operation in science and security and trade, which apparently our EU membership has prevented until now.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

His Master's Voice

Anglo-Russian relations have received a substantial intellectual boost with the postponement of the Imperial Haystack's planned visit to the Evil Empire 2.0. The Trumpster's proposed secretary of state discovered a previously overlooked visit by the Heathen Chinee in his diary, and had to reschedule a meeting with America's subordinates in NATO, which has been consistently victimised by Russian aggression for at least the past two hundred years. Naturally, given the special relationship between Global Britain and the USA, to say nothing of the Imperial Haystack's diplomatic heft, there was no question of scheduling the NATO meeting for the convenience of Britain's joke Foreign Secretary; so the Russian Bear's lessons in the art of the limerick will just have to wait a bit longer.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Going Global

A small country ruled by a corrupt clique of religious despots has been promised continued investment from Qatar, doubtless in part because the two governments share a relaxed attitude to human rights. The chief executive of Qatar Petroleum has given global Britain a boost by stating that plucky little Albion's defiance of the Euro-wogs will make no difference whatever to his company; which is certainly a more can-do attitude than that of various bankers and airlines and those citizens of nowhere who have the gall to work in the National Health Service. Qatar already has significant investments in the UK, including such monuments to the white working class as the Olympic village, the Shard building and Harrods. Qatar also has a stake in Sainsbury's, so even that insignificant portion of the UK which does not constitute Greater London will continue to be catered for.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

I'm Hans Christian Andersen


Saturday, March 25, 2017

Perfidious Estonia

Is there no gratitude among the Euro-wogs? Barely a week since British military and security prowess arrived to see off the latest Russian invasion of Estonia, the Estonian president has made threatening noises about Britain's right to do as it dashed well pleases with its own hired killers, and has even cast aspersions upon Tin-Pot Tessie's habit of conflating various European institutions with the European Union. It seems that Tin-Pot Tessie's veiled threats to withdraw from European security (and thereby presumably allow Putin an uninterrupted march into Portugal) have touched a nerve among the uppity foreigners. "You don’t mix different subjects and topics," the Estonian president said, thus gratuitously denying the legitimacy of the Europhobes' only real tactic aside from shouting louder. The beastly Balt also ventured to speculate that "at some point Great Britain will miss its place in the room, behind the table," as if Her Majesty's Government's entire strategy did not centre on the demand that Great Britain's leaving the EU should extend only to the obligations of membership and not the privileges.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Native Unrest

Despite India's unfortunate degeneration from British Imperial possession to functioning democracy, it appears that a few encouraging echoes of the Raj still remain. A Hindu nationalist politician apparently booked a business-class seat on an Air India flight, but found himself among the lesser breeds in economy; his complaint escalated into an altercation with the senior flight attendant, whom the MP was at last driven to chastise in the best East India Company fashion, by corporal punishment with an item of footwear. As a result of this enterprising and barnstorming conduct, the MP is now banned from flying with any member of the Federation of Indian Airlines, despite demonstrating a near-Conservative level of reasonability in demanding an apology from Air India. Doubtless our own Imperial Haystack is even now waiting eagerly for his phone to ring so he can mobilise the sepoys in defence of civilisation.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Lapsed Judgement

Among the many reasons the terrorists hate us is, of course, our independent judiciary, which at present consists of the lord chancellor, Liz Truss; the Secretary of State for Profitable Incarceration, Liz Truss; and the Rothermere Daily Stürmer's legal representative in Cabinet, Liz Truss. An enemy of the people has taken rather extreme exception to Truss' recent conduct; possibly because he is a mere expert and therefore doesn't know what he is talking about. The lord chief justice, being the British people's most senior non-migrant adversary, has put out a statement criticising Truss for putting out inaccurate information about new rules for rape victims giving evidence at trials; apparently the Ministry for Profitable Incarceration has been so thoroughly streamlined that its elbows have merged with its arse. The lord chief justice also took Truss to task for her reluctance to criticise the scumbag press squeals against those judges who made the ludicrous claim that a more or less democratically-purchased Government should occasionally be subject to parliamentary scrutiny. As lord chancellor, it was Truss' duty to defend the judges; fortunately, the checks and balances inherent in her role as a Cabinet minister and Dacre-doggie prevented her doing anything that might have harmed her reputation.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

No Britons Hurt

At least thirty-three non-Londoners, many of whom are believed to have been Arabs masquerading as civilians, were today prevented from inconveniencing Westminster thanks to an airstrike by the US-led coalition for British values in Syria. A separate US chastisement of a mosque last Saturday resulted in the removal of at least fifty-two more non-Londoners, none of whom are now expected to end up in Calais, threatening British jobs and thereby causing rumbles of discontent at the Westminster trough. Indeed, today's non-Londoners may have been attempting to shelter from the fighting, thereby leaving themselves open to the charge of being potential refugees. Despite Britain's status as a major supplier of armaments to head-chopping Islamic fundamentalists in the region, significant casualties were apparently minimal.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Uppity Wogs and Underdogs

Survivors of the Mau Mau rebellion in Kenya, who are suing the heirs of Empire 1.0: Decline and Fall over the murder, torture, rape and herding into concentration camps that accompanied Britain's oh-so-civilised process of decolonisation, have accused Her Majesty's Government of burying bad news, and even of saying the thing that was not. As might be expected from a department under the nominal control of the Imperial Haystack, the Ministry for Wogs, Piccaninnies and Fuzzy-Wuzzies has responded with the assertion that the Government is above the law and that anyone who says otherwise is an enemy of democracy. Leafing through Hansard and comparing ministerial assertions with mere facts, especially to the detriment of the former, apparently constitutes a breach of parliamentary privilege and a technically punishable offence. The merits of this argument may or may not be signalled by the fact that it was employed only after the Ministry had failed for eight months to persuade the court against proceeding further on the grounds that the Kenya Emergency was a jolly long time ago and thus no longer a reason to administer Jewish-style punishment beatings.

Monday, March 20, 2017

You Are Perfectly Safe and Nothing Can Go Wrong

Having taken back control of our energy industry for the profit of France and the Heathen Chinee, Her Majesty's Government has been forced to brush off a request by some foreigners to delay construction of the blanched radioactive pachyderm at Hinkley Point. In the first ecstasy of its newly-freedomised global reach, the bustling, buccaneering hub of Empire 2.0 had apparently forgotten to consult nearby wogs who might be affected, especially once Her Majesty's Government really gets down to repealing all that health and safety red tape. As a result, the United Nations Economic Commission for Europe has asked the UK to consider delaying further work until Germany, Norway and the Netherlands have given, of all things, their own ideas about whether Britain owes them a formal notification in the event of a corporate indiscretion; and this in spite of the fact that the UK has already assessed the risk and decreed that no significant accident can possibly happen, ever, because we are British. What further reassurance could any lesser breed possibly require?