The Curmudgeon


Saturday, October 01, 2016

Entrepreneurial Insufficiency

Despite the paradisiac future recently limned by the vole-brained former Minister for Werritty, some fat and lazy car manufacturers are already complaining about the hard work that will inevitably be associated with the joyous return of unshackled entrepreneurialism. Nissan and Toyota have expressed concern about the tariffs which the fiendish Euro-wogs are likely to impose once the UK has extricated itself, thanks to the perverse Euro-wog ideological dogma which specifies that anyone who has left a club should no longer be entitled to the privileges of that club. Nissan has even gone so far as to suggest that a newly-independent Britain might use some of the NHS's weekly £350 million to compensate those companies which are insufficiently resourceful to take advantage of their new and beautiful freedom. Meanwhile, the chief executive at Škoda is demanding, of all things, "concrete decisions that one can really adjust to." Clearly he has no idea what sort of people he's dealing with.

Friday, September 30, 2016

The Stunt Business

One of the world's primary causes of poverty has vowed to name and shame countries which suffer the effects of poverty. The president of the World Bank is worried about the effects of malnutrition on young children, which can include retarded growth and a lack of the necessary mental flexibility to become competent worker-consumers. Since increasing automation will result in decreasing opportunities for menial slavery, it appears that decent diets are being considered as a last resort so that the president of the World Bank can look at himself in the mirror. The proposed solution is a system of "conditional cash transfers" to mothers of stunted children and the health clinics that support them; which, in the stick-and-bigger-stick mentality of the World Bank's employers, will doubtless translate into yet further withdrawals of resources as punishment for needing them the most.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Listening to Legitimate Concerns

As if the antics of the Trumpster and his hydrophobic head-tribble were not enough, Americans have had to cope with a flying visit from Mad Tessie May. The dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK dropped in to New York, where the agenda seems to have been partly to beg local plutocrats not to wreck the English economy on her watch, and partly to meet and make due obeisance to the Governor of HM Prison UK himself. Rupert Murdoch, many of whose humble staff in the British scumbag press share Mad Tessie's interest in eavesdropping, was no doubt happy to congratulate the dead-eyed warden on her appointment; even if there still remain a few personal opinions, such as those of the vole-brained former Minister for Werritty, whereof she has yet to take back control. It remains as yet unclear whether the Governor asked his new minion any indiscreet questions about what Brexit means; or whether he just gave her the proper definition via whatever convenient orifice she may have presented for the purpose.

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Laws Are For Losers

Despite the Bullingdon Club's no-nonsense attitude towards such peculiar foreign-influenced whims as expert testimony and equality before the law, certain airy-fairy legalisms are still being permitted to cloud the crystalline simplicity of Britain's taking back control. As befits an administration headed by the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK, the Government has decreed that Parliament has prorogued itself by passing the Referendum Act; that Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland have no business interfering with British affairs; and that any legal issues involved will be left to the expertise of ministers, without merely legal interference. (The ministerial experts involved, lest anyone forget, comprise an overpromoted Murdoch flunkey and sometime game-show host; a prima donna with a shaky grasp of Irish independence; and the vole-brained former Minister for Werritty.) Naturally, the Government's legal grounds for asserting that it alone can decide what is legal are also purely a matter for the Government; at least in the Government's considered opinion. Nevertheless, a high court judge has very subversively ordered that the Government must now disclose how genuinely, utterly sane and intelligent the dead-eyed warden and her flunkeys really are.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Colónic Irritation

Some historical cleansers in Barcelona have displayed similar ambitions to the recent Rhodes Must Fall campaign here on the mainland. A sixty-metre monument to a Genoese thief, slaver and crank, and to his Muslim-bashing patrons, has been targeted for destruction by a group of councillors, who propose to replace it with a monument to "American resistance to imperialism, oppression and indigenous and African-American segregation", although it is unclear how much of this virtuous resistance originated in Barcelona. They also find distasteful the celebration of 12 October, since it marks the beginning of the American genocide; and a nineteenth-century slaver named Antonio López y López, who eventually bought himself the title "Marquis of Comillas" and whose statue adorns the post office.

Since the glorification of such creatures is itself a part of history, and one whose lessons have hardly been learned today, the replacement of their statues by monuments to more worthy causes seems a dubious enterprise. A more honest and educative approach would be to add new inscriptions giving some indication of the revised historical estimates, so that future generations may see what heroes their forefathers chose, and perhaps partly deduce from that how the world they'll be stuck with came about.

Monday, September 26, 2016

That Ethical Dimension

The Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair has added his own eructation to the belches of righteous indignation over the idea that the actions of British troops might be open to question from the involuntarily freedomised. Both the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK, and the blustering blimp at the Ministry for Wog-Bombing, have already promised every possible assistance to soldiers accused of war crimes, including the kind of legal support for which civilian food-bank users are now expected to pay. The Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair took time out from the Kazakhstan Reformation and the profits thereof in order to bestow the benefits of his own moral perfection upon readers of the Sabbath Barclaygraph. "I do not think this process should ever have been put in place," he anathematised; clearly the man who wanted to impose three months' detention without trial on anyone who wrote things, said things or thought things has lost none of his empyrean disdain for evidence, due process and suchlike judicial inconveniences.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Is There No Rah-Rah in Albion?

Having burned beneath the pitying condescension of Euro-wog ministers a couple of days ago, the strategic mastermind that is the Imperial Haystack has evidently decided to go in hot, heavy and hairy with the willy-waving over Syria. Defining a war crime as something Israel, Saudi Arabia and the USA do as a matter of course, the London Haystack fulminated against the rampant Russian bear, complaining that the forces of civilisation have been "too impotent" in Syria since the late Head Boy's cunning plan to lead 700,000 tame jihadis on a glorious crusade for democracy was voted down in 2013 - in large part because the Head Boy was too busy chillaxing to organise the servants properly. That plan (essentially wog-bombing and rah-rah and erm that's it) was the sort of kinetic response to a red line that the Imperial Haystack could get behind, because in its depth of detail and forethought it rather resembled the way he likes to operate himself. Failing that, the Imperial Haystack blathered about the "dock of the court of international opinion". Apparently Putin will scuttle back into his spider-hole if he feels people don't like him very much.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Name Czech

In April the government of the Czech Republic approved the name Czechia as a one-word name for the country, and a mere five months later the British government's Permanent Committee on Geographical Names has magnanimously ratified the decision. There was apparently some concern that the more factually immune English-speakers might confuse the country with Chechnya, or that historians with a Gove-Johnson degree of sophistication might get it mixed up with the Cheka, or perhaps with a pattern of squares. There were also worries that the name fails to represent Moravia and Silesia, which admittedly could be difficult to squeeze into a single word, at least if it were intended to be susceptible of pronunciation. One name that does not seem to have been considered is Bohemia, which presumably has unpleasant Austro-imperial associations, besides the more relaxed connotations that would have made it an encouraging signal of decadence in a continent of hard-working families.

Friday, September 23, 2016

More Kinks in the Learning Curve

Mere experts are an intransigent lot: pedantically myopic in their obsessive attention to factual occurrences on the present planet, and apparently immune to the moral and spiritual wonders of the far superior world inhabited by Her Majesty's Government. A study by the Education Policy Institute demonstrates once more why mere experts remain unworthy of that alternate world, no matter how much they attempt to undermine its beguiling narrowness, its disciplined, disc-like non-sphericality and the mediaeval charm of its social order. Grammar schools, the study states, do not improve overall standards but rather retard them, and do not help children from disadvantaged backgrounds but rather hinder them; hence the dead-eyed warden of HM Prison UK and her minions have been saying the thing that is not and making claims based on "nostalgia and anecdote". The experts recommend that the Government abandon its policy, as it will lead to increased social divisions and fewer chances for the non-wealthy: a situation which no imaginable administration of loud-mouthed half-wits and hard-right ideological freaks could possibly wish to see.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Murca Joins the Grown-Ups

Pleasingly enough in these arguably post-imperial times, the campaign for leadership of the free world and the state of Ohio has moved a little closer to the luminous standards of reasonable debate which are routinely achieved here on the democratic mainland. The Trumpster has been bellowing about refugees being a vector for the disease of terrorism, and in support of his claim he has proclaimed that the country has lost control of its borders, that the New York bomber (he hasn't been tried yet, but Trumpster justice is as swift and summary as anything Mad Tessie May could desire) should have been caught in the womb, and that the opposition plans to bring in vast numbers of refugees and spend upon their welfare as large a figure as can be extracted at short notice from the admittedly capacious Trumpster toches. The Trumpster has also proclaimed that refugees not only cause terrorism but also lower quality of life generally, in accordance with the generally accepted religious orthodoxy which proclaims that wages tend to be depressed by migrants and not by tax-dodging corporate fatboys. Our own political masters will no doubt be greatly encouraged to observe the Trumpster and his hydrophobic head-tribble both coming over so mainstream all of a sudden.