The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

His Castle

Before her necking bout with Freedom's blade,
The Queen of France would play the lowly maid;
And so today, our British man of fashion
(Who rivals her for breasts, as for compassion)
Must share the workman's joys, humble and pleasant,
In knocking up a shed while shooting pheasant.
The British worker's modest pride is seen
In how he keeps his hovel warm and clean:
Wool insulation for the walls and floor,
Hard wood to keep the homeless from the door.
When labour's done, he rests his weary head
Austerely, on a double sofa bed
Which local fauna hope is amply big
For purple porker, as for sucking-pig.

Max Stoneyvest

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Just Not Buccaneering Enough

Yet further evidence has emerged of Nazi-style dictatorship in Europe, as the Euro-wogs unaccountably and dictatorially voted through legal measures to cut toxic emissions from power plants. The fact that the new rules will come into force despite opposition from Germany must naturally serve to confirm the Hitleresque nature of the European enterprise, at least in the schoolboy blatherings of Tin-Pot Tessie's joke Foreign Secretary. On the reality-based parts of the planet, stricter limits will be imposed on emissions of the various pollutants which the Imperial Haystack blithely allowed to persist far above the previous legal level when he was in post as London's joke mayor. A Euro-wog with a funny name has pointed out that air pollution is "the prime environmental cause of premature death in the European Union;" but, in typically underhand foreign fashion, conveniently omitted to mention that the deaths take place almost exclusively among the lower classes and are therefore hardly a legitimate matter for concern among those world leaders who have the Trumpster to hold their hand.

Friday, April 28, 2017

The Williams of History versus the Irving of Faith

I am sure we will all rejoice to see that Rowan Williams, whose tenure as Archbishop of Canterbury so typified the moral courage and intellectual honesty of Blairite Britain, has finally discovered an argument of which he isn't on both sides. Manchester University library is displaying books by the Holocaust denier David Irving alongside works of actual history, and Williams has written to the vice-chancellor and to the Minister for Being Related to the Foreign Secretary, requesting that Irving's work should be removed from open display and available only on request. While it is refreshing to see Williams taking so uncompromised and comprehensible a stance, there is surely little need to flatter Irving with the kind of treatment once reserved for pornographers, black magicians and other genuinely useful citizens. All that is really necessary is for his books to be reclassified and placed in their proper genre, alongside their brothers in spirit such as Mein Kampf and the Gospel of St John.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Fuelling Dissent

Yet another enemy of the people has taken advantage of the judiciary's nominal independence from the executive in order to attempt sabotage upon our precious national unity. The high court has ruled that the Government is breaking the law by refusing to publish its plans to cut air pollution - a petty and insignificant issue which is believed to cause a mere forty thousand premature deaths a year, mostly among proles, NHS bed-blockers and other expendables. In November another enemy of the people declared that the Government's draft plans were illegal, though it remains unclear from what specific combination of normal ineptitude, concern for the well-being of fossil-fuel lobbyists, and recent efficiency savings in the civil service. The Government, which always has more important things to do than worry about public health, pleaded that publishing the revised plans during the automatic ratification of a Conservative government might lead to their being labelled Conservative government plans, which would obviously go against every principle of British justice. With the relevant ministry still in the charge of the gormless Andrea Leadsom, some spirit of charity from the courts would surely have been in order.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Wogs in Space

Well, thank goodness we've opted ourselves out of this insidious scheme. The ghastly Euro-wogs and the Heathen Chinee are plotting to collaborate in constructing a base on the moon; a plot which might well be sold as an international endeavour despite failing to include the United States and the New Global Imperium of England, Wales, Gibraltar and the Falkland Islands. The Heathen Chinee have been excluded from the International Space Station because of American concerns over their space programme's military connections; never having done anything remotely military before, NASA apparently felt it would be at an undue disadvantage. Now that the flat-earthers have taken over Washington, it remains to be seen how the free world will react to bits of the moon being made foreign in front of its eyes. Thanks to their famously practical and non-ideological temperament, the British are likely to find a certain amusement in the clumsiness of the enterprise: apparently the project is to involve mere experts, and even scientists, and years upon years of effort, research and investment. This is of course far inferior to the pluckily buccaneering British method: namely to sulk, threaten and offend until the moon is shamed into fulfilling its moral obligation to accommodate our every whim.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Lessons They Won't Forget

Enemies of the people, infected by the ghastly foreign doctrine of human rights, are criticising the tough love régime at the Feltham child warehousing facility. A teenager is complaining to the high court over being kept in solitary confinement twenty-three and a half hours a day, even though he was allowed the luxury of half an hour's taxpayer-funded freedom to gossip on the phone or take drugs. In the spirit of the Graybeing book ban, he received no education; and he was not allowed to exercise in the gym, although such undeserved luxuries remain statutory until the glittering advent of our much-anticipated post-European British Bill of Rights, Responsibilities and Rah-Rah. About a third of imprisoned children spend some time under similar conditions, and a couple of bleeding-heart busybodies have worried about the lack of formal governance in such cases. The Ministry for Profitable Incarceration has admitted that there was no statutory authority for preventing the teenager's association with other children; but no doubt there was a good, sound, common-sense reason behind it, such as not omitting the punitive element, or economising on tutors.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Uncertain Intelligence

Not all members of the Not Awfully Bright Party are opposed to recycling, it appears. While others dredged up some of the Milibeing's policies from two years ago (with circumstances changing every five minutes and a pledge-keeper of Mad Tessie's calibre in charge, they can afford to go hog-wild with the promises), the less imaginative wing of the party was blathering out the old Cold War caution about pretenders to prime-ministerial office who hate Britain so much that they aren't even prepared to start World War Three. The blustering blimp in charge of wog-bombing proclaimed a first-strike nuclear weapons policy in the interest of creating uncertainty in the minds of those poised to attack us (Russia? North Korea? Spain? Britain First?), while manifesting much patriotic indignation at the uncertainty inherent in the Labour leader's inclination to ask questions before drone-kicking some terrorist buttock. Just imagine the disasters that might have occurred if Britain's late Head Boy had spent the run-up to his glorious Libya campaign making strange, communistic queries like "what actual good will it do?"

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Then They Came for the Fat People

Fat and pollutive persons who have the temerity to be ill while lacking sufficient British pluck and gumption to afford private healthcare are to receive their proper come-uppance under plans to ration NHS care according to worthiness of lifestyle. "We are seeing, bit by bit, the destruction of the solidarity that this country has been so proud of with the NHS," mourned the Liberal Democrat health spokesbeing, Norman Lamb, whose principled resignation from ministerial office over the Bullingdon Club's vandalism of the NHS was one of the moral highlights of the coalition in a universe slightly less cretinous than this one. The medical director for NHS England in Yorkshire and Humber has written a letter supporting management of resources "for the benefit of all patients" by forcing smokers and the obese to wait longer for hip or knee surgery. Those denied such surgery can suffer severe pain, as they deserve, and have trouble walking, which means they will burn off the calories that much more efficiently as they hobble towards their foie gras from the food bank.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Social Disease

As the Christian state of Arkansas bags itself another nigrah four minutes before the death warrant was due to expire, researchers have discovered that legally-sanctioned death by medication may have adverse consequences for real people. The drugs which are used for lethal injections are also used for curing taxpayers, and some have fallen into short supply; at least four death-penalty states, including the Christian state of Arkansas, are hoarding them. In a particularly deplorable lapse of American values, one of the country's largest pharmaceutical suppliers is suing the Christian state of Arkansas to prevent the use of drugs which the company says were obtained by state officials under false pretences. Although they claimed to be re-stocking prison hospitals, these angels of mercy were hiding their virtue under a bushel: in fact the drugs were to be held against the day when they might be required to provide closure for grieving relatives and show whining liberal snowflakes what God's justice really means.

Friday, April 21, 2017

No More Black on the Union Jack

More than three decades after the sainted Thatcher crushed the saboteurs of the Enemy Within, Britain is set to declare final victory over the pernicious national disease that has plagued the country since the start of the Industrial Revolution. The National Grid has predicted that the first working day without coal power generation is nigh; and the last coal-fired power station is due to close in a few years under the rubric of meeting the Government's climate change commitments. Other symptoms of the Government's interest in meeting its climate change commitments include abolishing the relevant ministry; cosying up to the Trumpster, who does not believe in climate change; and appointing drooling imbeciles like Owen Paterson and Andrea Leadsom to the Department for Environment, Floods and Whatever. The true significance of Britain's first coal-free day is much happier, more glorious, more far-reaching and patriotic. With the rise of new and sustainable energy sources such as Russian gas and blanched radioactive Franco-Chinese pachyderms, the nation is finally at liberty to march towards a future that is free from the centuries-long moral stain of reliance on uppity coal-miners.