The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Buzzed Off

Although it is hardly front-page news, being a purely environmental matter and carried out by mere foreigners to boot, research in Germany indicates a seventy-five per cent decrease in the number of all flying insects over the past quarter of a century. One possible cause of the decline is pesticide use, which may well be one reason why nobody much has bothered about it until now; and of course Her Majesty's Government is unlikely to worry excessively in any case. For one thing, flying insects have never really caught on as the sort of creature that can be hunted with dogs; for another, the problem can always be dealt with by encouraging the ministerial grubs to notch up a few more taxpayer-funded air miles.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Not Quite Such Pure Evil as Some Others We Might Mention

To those who have learned all necessary lessons from the Iraq crusade, the Afghan quagmire, the Libyan débâcle and other humanitarian ventures, the possibility that the Mogadishu truck bombing may have been blowback from an air raid by the forces of righteousness will no doubt come as a considerable surprise. One of the deadliest terrorist incidents for many years, the bombing seems to have resulted from the complex system of clans and alliances which constitutes Somali society's civilisationally-challenged substitute for patriotism and family values. An American operation in August was so carelessly carried out that some civilians were killed, and investigators believe that the bombing was motivated by a desire for revenge, despite the vanishingly rare occurrence of US-inflicted civilian casualties in the mainstream of respectable reportage. Since no Britons were hurt, that mainstream is even now tactfully sparing the attack's eight hundred victims any burden of excess publicity.

Monday, October 16, 2017

The Orange Carpet

Fury at meteorologist party-poopers

Skies all over Britain have been turning the shade of President Trump's head-tribble today in a spontaneous outpouring of affectionate respect for Theresa May's oldest and loudest ally.

In the wake of Liam Fox's triumphant trade mission, in which he managed the spectacular success of landing in America instead of India, patriotic Britons have taken control of the heavens in tribute to the nation's feudal overlord.

The spontaneous demonstrations of respectful affection are thought to be intended as partial compensation for the recent downgrading of the President's scheduled state visit.

What was originally advertised as a full ceremonial reception with optional royal pussy-grab is now more likely to consist of a working afternoon at the trough with whoever happens to be prime minister at the time, or in extremis with Boris Johnson.

However, mere experts have exacerbated the far-left bias of mere facts by attributing the sky's new colour to dust thrown into the atmosphere from recent golf course clearance phenomena in Africa and the Portugal region of Spain.

The president has expressed scepticism on the subject of climate change, in accordance with the minority of scientific opinion which states that large quantities of dust in the air have no effect on the atmosphere but can help to improve the poor by making them work harder for their breath.

The British government has expressed some agreement with the Chinese, but in practice regards climate change on a par with justice or public education, as something to be dealt with by Michael Gove.

Me at Poetry24:
Fox in Stocks

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Troll Triage

It appears, surprisingly enough, that the Government is just as committed to fighting online bullying as it is to greening the economy, curbing corporate profiteering, leashing the scumbag press and preserving the National Health Service. Amber Rudd, the very same Minister for Wog Control who pledged to name and shame companies for employing foreign workers, and whose department regularly sends go-home letters to persons suspected of racial impurity, has allocated £200,000 to the national online hate crime hub, which amounts to about three pounds per incident. Naturally, the money will come from existing budgets rather than from the magic money tree that secured the collaboration of those famous non-haters in the Democratic Unionist Party; which naturally means that something else will have to be cut. It remains as yet unclear whether the Ministry for Wog Control will be issuing any guidelines on which incidents of abuse to prioritise; although it is thought that the emotional requirements of rich, middle-aged men in the white-to-purple colour range are generally the most cost-effective.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Normality Not Normanity

On this day in 1066, the United Kingdom of Plucky Little Britain (which, in the absence of proper Americans, was then generally known as England) suffered invasion by European immigrants. Deposing the democratically elected king, Sir Harold Boris de Pfeffel Godwinson, the Franco-Scandinavian horde proceeded to impose a Feudal System upon the indigenous population, which had hitherto lived a life of carefree liberty in hard-working families. The alien swarm wasted no time in taking over what had been the rights and privileges of freedom-loving Englishmen; in a particularly egregious access of insolence, they even took it upon themselves to harry the North like paid-up members of the British Conservative Party. The nation's very language became bizarrely polluted and mutilated into something nearly resembling the tongue Chaucer spoke, and even the Royal Family did not remain immune, as unpronounceable foreign names like William, Henry and Richard Lionheart replaced solid, businesslike Anglo-Saxon ones like Æthelred, Odda and Eadric the Grabber. Without a doubt, the invasion was the most unsatisfactory subheading in our island story since plucky little England rolled back the Romans under the leadership of that great king, Sir Arthur Boris de Pfeffel Pendragon. Nevertheless, it still remains unclear when the Home Office plans to start deporting all non-Anglo-Saxon taxpayers back to where they came from.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Making Do

When pessimists are talking down
The state of things, with grumpy frown,
Then cries the cheerful-minded chap:
We've never yet run out of crap!

Nay-sayers may yet more complain
That quality will fall again;
The answer to this grumpy gripe:
We have a plenitude of tripe!

Though moaners whine there's not enough
Of any good or wholesome stuff,
Even the cynics must admit:
There are no shortages of shit!

Let now continue, till the end,
This hopeful economic trend;
While we all sink, and smiling die
With optimists in good supply.

Titania Britt

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Won't the Children Think of Somebody?

While all true Britons will join the blustering blimp at the Ministry for Wog-Bombing in gloating over the demise of the White Widow and the collateral detrimentation of her twelve-year-old child, the other glorious achievements of British arms should not be forgotten. The cholera epidemic in Yemen, despite having been predicted by mere experts, is now the biggest in modern history, thanks in no small part to the British government's happy business relationship with the head-chopping House of Saud. The vandalism of Yemen's public works and health facilities amount to little more than a radical acceleration of Conservative policy at home; while the enthusiastic subjection of an estimated six hundred thousand children to an entirely preventable epidemic must surely constitute an investment in the future of the British national security state that will rival the Reverend Blair's midwifery at the birth of Isis out of al-Qaeda.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Turning Up Trump

A chaotic, anti-democratic administration riven by ludicrous in-fighting and headed by an incoherent migrant-basher has denied a report in the London Evening Osborne that its chums, the Trumpster and his hydrophobic head-tribble, will be denied the opportunity of meeting with everyone's favourite superannuated inbred tax-dodger. Given the achievements of Britain's international diplomacy in the past sixteen months, there may be some who find it hard to believe that elbowing her way to the front of the sycophancy queue was once considered Tumbledown Tessie's greatest diplomatic coup. Despite the glory of that victory for British pride and independence, the Trumpster's state visit was controversial from the first; not least because of fears that the Queen might suffer a modicum of embarrassment at having her crotch seized by someone with all her late mother's most sophisticated opinions but very little of her good taste in headgear. British and American officials, doubtless in that order, are insisting nothing has changed; which certainly ought to settle the matter.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Muddy Materialism

Despite the simplifying effects of the Bullingdon bonfire of red tape, it appears that our fast-approaching freedom from the toils of Brusso-Strasbourgian bureaucracy remains, for some, not an altogether glorious prospect. Indeed, the practicalities involved have given a couple of former Home Office flunkeys occasion to blaspheme. Trapped as they are in the merely real, and cut off by their worldly natures from the Empyrean refinement of Brexiteer doctrine, the two ex-specialists in wog control went so far as to suggest, not only that the Home Office would need to recruit extra staff, but that it would need to train them and quite likely pay them as well. Assuming that resident Euro-wogs aren't all simply kicked out on principle, the Government plans to implement a moderately hostile environment for those who may still have failed to take the hint after the next year and a half, involving identity checks and a requirement to apply for a place on a database of settled sub-Britannics. Even in the event of a Great Simplification, such as would occur should plucky little Britain decide to go it alone and battle on without a deal, the two heretics maintained that some sort of border staff would be required, although it should be obvious from the Government's long and happy relationship with information technology that all the confusing bits could quite easily be handled using electronical computators. If only civil servants weren't around to muddy the clear blue waters of faith in the People's Will, we could have been out and free and selling Trident to North Korea by now.

Monday, October 09, 2017

Aping Their Betters

Armchair viceroys throughout the Recrudescent Imperium will no doubt be gratified to observe the latest outbreak of British values in Uganda, where food rations for swarming hordes have been cut by half. Uganda is dealing with approximately a million job-seekers from South Sudan, despite being somewhat less roomy than the United Kingdom which recently balked at taking in a few dozen smallish Syrians. Since Uganda is as yet insufficiently enlightened and democratic to wog-bomb its neighbours into freedom and peace, it looks as though a well-intentioned if inevitably crude imitation of the Osbornomic miracle will have to suffice for now. The beneficiaries have reacted with the usual ingratitude, even though humanitarian donations have occasionally amounted to as much as a third of what is needed. Britain's Minister for Piccaninnies has thus far made no public announcements regarding the investment potential of the local beach-front.