The Curmudgeon


Saturday, August 30, 2014

Because It Works

The terrorists are doing stuff;
It's time we toughened up the tough.

Iraq was very very rough
For us, because we had to tough.

The first Gulf War was not enough;
We failed to implement our tough.

Post-World War One, we tried to bluff,
But soon were forced to do the tough.

Our colonies gave them the huff,
Perhaps through insufficient tough.

Crusades of piety and puff
Did not convince them of our tough.

Mohammedans spread pagan guff;
It's time we toughened up the tough.

Weston Perrill

Friday, August 29, 2014

Wide Open

Britain's Head Boy has apparently decided that Alistair Darling cannot be trusted to save the golf courses on his own, and has toddled his dewlaps up to Scotland for a bit of a burble at business leaders. Daveybloke burbled that business should defy the fiend Salmond and "choose openness over narrowness", which is a jolly good argument given Daveybloke's consistent opening and widening of the gaps between rich and poor, between male and female privilege, and between the rhetorical claims of his administration and the actual state of affairs pertaining on the present planet. An unfortunate reminder of this latter void came from the president of the Confabulation of Business Interests, who reminded the Head Boy of the possible economic consequences of pandering to the Farage Falange; but it is unclear at this late stage whether Britain's Head Boy has any more window-dressing to apply on that issue.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Where They Ban People, They Will in the End Also Ban Books

A supermarket chain in straight-talking Australia has shown the poncy Poms a thing or two by banning a children's book from its shelves because of "comments by a limited number of concerned customers regarding the language used". The book is Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes, in which the author re-works various well-known fairy tales. Among other delights, it presents the case against Goldilocks for breaking and entering, property damage and theft; while Red Riding Hood, if I remember right, disposes of the big bad wolf with a pistol she whips from her knickers. However, the censors are concerned neither with juvenile crime sprees nor with phallic-envious aggression against animals. The rhyme which has exercised the limited patrons of Aldi Australia is the one about Cinderella, in which Prince Charming's idea of fun is to chop people's heads off. "Who's this dirty slut?" he cries on seeing the heroine; "Off with her nut! Off with her nut!" The problem was the word slut, of course. The Prince uses the term in its older sense of a messy or untidy female, and it is arguable that even Roald Dahl did not intend him as a role model, linguistic or otherwise; but such pleas of mitigation count for nothing with the limited patrons of Aldi Australia or their po-faced protectors at Head Office. To be fair, a country that needs G4S to protect it against refugees must have a rather delicate constitution.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Total Contrition

After only the odd year or three,
I can say that we finally see
And admit, more or less,
That our use of CS
Was maybe a little too free.

Legitimate protest, we know,
Should only be met with gas-flow
In the absence, let's say,
Of those cannons that spray
All that lovely, high-speed H2O.

We are happy that no-one was slain,
Though it's true that you suffered some pain;
We used too much force,
And we're sorry, of course,
Until we can do it again.

Sir Bernard Hogan-Howitzer

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Unlocked and Unhinged

It appears that the minions of the Minister for Justice and Heterosexual Hostelry are nearly as good with computers and things as their brothers in efficiency, the minions of the brilliant Iain Duncan Smith. Having lost an unencrypted hard drive with the details of sixteen thousand people in 2011, the Ministry for Profitable Incarceration was issued with new devices which could encrypt the informaton stored on them. These devices were given to the prison service in 2012, but nobody realised that the encryption option had to be switched on, and now another unencrypted hard drive has absconded with the details of just under three thousand people. In accordance with the demands of natural justice, the taxpayer has been fined £180,000 for the omission.

Perhaps these comic episodes might throw some light on Chris Graybeing's notorious ban on sending books to prisoners. The Minister for Justice and Heterosexual Hostelry does not persist with the ban merely because he is a vindictive, sanctimonious, authoritarian guttersnipe with the morals of a tapeworm and the breadth of vision of an Ebola virus. He is, of course, all that and less; but in the context of his department's other achievements it seems increasingly evident that neither Graybeing nor his minions has ever seen a book or would know how to operate one if they did.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Helping His Fellow Men

Doubtless in a malicious attempt to distract from the peace in which so many Middle Easterners are resting, ignorant and backsliding persons have criticised the Ascended Incarnation of the Reverend Blair for giving PR advice to the president of Kazakhstan. Nursultan Nazarbayev is an autocrat, as opposed to a populist or a dictator, and everyone's favourite envoy has been trying to help him polish his reputation with a bit of New Labour grease and glitter. After police killed fifteen people during a protest, his reverence advised Nazarbayev to borrow from Tony's very own book of homilies on Iraq, the surveillance state, the PFI boondoggle and just about everything else: "By all means make your points and I assure you we're listening. But give us credit for the huge change of a positive nature we have brought about." It is as yet unclear whether his reverence charged any royalties, or whether his ethical foreign policy, "Look over there! Terrorists!" was also included in the deal.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Creating the Scroungers of the Future

A coalition pledge to provide nursery education for very small proles is being fulfilled after the usual fashion of coalition pledges. The very small proles in question would need to mingle with very small middle-class people from hard-working families, and the resulting moral taint is apparently too much for many private nurseries to bear. Employing the evil public sector, with its platinum-plated pensions for nursery teachers, would of course bring about fiscal apocalypse, or at least something far, far worse than a three-year economic depression followed by a wageless recovery. Nevertheless, the private and voluntary sectors are only providing about 55% of the necessary places; so a spokesbeing for the Department of Gove Without Gove has blamed local councils for not investing in new buildings.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Freedom Frozen

Although anxious to lower prices and eager to pass on savings to its customers, the energy cartel has been prevented from doing so by a government policy that hasn't been implemented yet. In a letter to the regulator published in the Murdoch Times, the chief executive of Npower had a squeal about Labour's pledge to freeze energy prices for twenty months, which could have apocalyptic consequences for virtually everything. At the moment wholesale gas prices are down, but the energy cartel cannot lower its prices in case the Milibeing attains power and starts turfing its executives into the street. Under more compassionate circumstances, of course, when wholesale gas prices are down the energy cartel does not lower its prices because it does not feel like it.

Friday, August 22, 2014

The Nastiness of These New Nasties Supersedes All Previous Nastiness

Britain's lack of wog-bombing in the Middle East cannot long continue, according to what passes these days for a couple of elder statesmen; in this case Lord Dannatt, the former head of the army, and Sir Malcolm Rifkind, who served as Minister for War and then as Secretary for Wogs, Frogs and Huns during the post-Thatcher interregnum that preceded the rise of the Reverend Blair. Both of these gentlemen have intervened to warn Britain's Head Boy that his unfortunate experience in trying to defend Islamist rebels from Bashar al-Assad should not deter him from leaping into bed with Bashar al-Assad in order to attack Islamist rebels. Regrettably, Britain's leading liberal newspaper makes no mention of Rifkind's qualifications as a mercenary contractor; his outfit, ArmorGroup, was gobbled up by the famously efficient humanitarian organisation G4S, but it is unclear whether Rifkind was made redundant, or whether he stayed on to continue the good work.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Frenzied Moments

Fury at filth on Four

Channel Four has been forced to defend itself against charges of pornography over an explicit drama which it plans to screen in the run-up to next year's general election.

Coalition will explore the "emotionally wrought, politically-charged and often frenzied moments" which led Nick Clegg to publicly sacrifice his virtue in a rose garden during the spring of 2010.

Along with its sex scenes, the 90-minute drama will show the decision-making process which led Clegg to throw out his party's policies on proportional representation, tuition fees and civil liberties, and sign up to half a decade of kicking the poor, privatising the NHS, bashing immigrants and squabbling with Europe.

Although the script contains explicit scenes of Clegg and his party colleagues humping the Prime Minister's leg and ejaculating over their little red boxes, the makers have denied that the film will be pornographic. "It's a very passionate and romantic story, but it's all very tastefully done," said production executive Rennard Groper.

However, Channel Four did not deny that there have been some difficulties finding actors for the lead roles. It is thought that Andy Serkis turned down the role of Cameron because of the numerous heavy-duty purple rubber dewlaps whcih he would need to wear on his face, neck, chest, stomach and buttocks.

The casting of Clegg has also been problematic. "Actors by their nature tend to be charismatic, attention-getting types," said one executive who asked to remain anonymous. "It isn't easy to find an actor who can convey Clegg's presence and personal substance and still register on a standard visual medium."