The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

News 2020

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The Carbon Emitting Organisations (CEO) cartel has announced plans to cut emissions to 90% of 2010 levels by 2050, in line with the most recent projections for coal, gas and oil shortages over the next few decades. "It's a very ambitious target that falls within the parameters of corporate responsibility," Alberta Scrimgeour of Exxon-Mobil-International-Texaco said today.

Based on CEO's most optimistic forecasts, Birmingham, Sheffield and parts of Detroit in the US may be using natural sunlight again by the end of the century. Many of the world's largest industrial conurbations are suffering similar problems with smog blackouts. The new Clean Air Act, intended to free up corporations to do more for the environment by setting out tentative voluntary guidelines for the reduction of as much or as little pollution as they like within a highly flexible time-frame, has so far done little to help.

Controversy arose recently in Llanelli over the decision to award the Ian MacGregor Compassionate Prize to a hospital which sold its autopsy records to Britcoal, who then claimed the amount of carbon in the autopsied lungs as part of the reduction in their emissions into the atmosphere.

CEO has expressed "deep concern" about the incidence of pollution-related disease in the industrial heartlands. "Naturally, we are working to prevent absenteeism from lung problems," said Mrs Scrimgeour, referring to the CEO's lobbying of Parliament to flexibilise working conditions for the terminally ill by revising the health and safety laws and re-downrevising the lower age limit on child labour.

When the sun does come out in Birmingham, it may present problems to the natives, according to some scientists. Ozone depletion means that harmful rays could get in and cause massive incidences of skin cancer, eye problems and other difficulties in these conurbations, where few people have had the foresight to stock up on protective creams and lenses. There is some debate among the members of CEO as to whether it would be more compassionate simply to keep the levels of carbon emissions as they are, which would stabilise the smog and save the working classes a lot of bother.

"It is a dilemma and we are definitely looking into it," Mrs Scrimgeour said. "But we've also got to remember that sunlight is a rare and precious commodity. That means there's a market for it out there somewhere, for whoever has the gumption to take advantage."

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