The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

News 2020

Putting the wind up the first draft of history

A memorial service will be held in the ruins of Falluja tomorrow for Commander-in-Chief and ex-President George W Bush, who died earlier this month. It was under Mr Bush's presidency that US-led forces liberated what was then Iraq from the dictator Saddam Hussein.

Once the country was free, however, foreign fighters and terrorists poured in to attempt to disrupt the freedom and democracy which the Americans were trying to implant. One of the main battlefields was the city of Falluja, which was the site of many Islamic shrines until a Baptist preacher formally exorcised and blessed the rubble early in Mr Bush's tour of duty as Commander-in-Chief.

For security reasons, neither the Prime Minister nor the present Commander-in-Chief will be attending the ceremony, which will be carried out by soldiers of the US Marine Corps, the Scots Guards, and any natives of the region who wish to pay tribute to Mr Bush's memory.

Although much of the region outside the Democratic Republic of Baghdad has been pacified repeatedly over the past twenty years, there are still occasional "rat-cancer outbreaks", as the insurgencies are known to the defending troops. Even the establishment of "no-walk zones", subject to random air raids and sniper fire, appears so far to have failed in winning the hearts and minds of the locals.

Some of the soldiers find this a source of frustration. "It's difficult to know what more we can do," said Corporal Euan Kerr, formerly of the Black Watch. His regiment was merged with the Scots Guards in the recent rationalisation of the military. The merged unit is known officially as the Scotch Blackguards, but in an access of Celtic humourlessness the Scottish parliament has appealed to Westminster to change the name.

Although Corporal Kerr is not particularly happy with the "softly, softly" approach favoured by Westminster, whereby British troops are used to fill the gaps left by American troops advancing on enemy positions, he can see its advantages compared with the more heavy-handed US approach. "They'll put fifty rounds into an ambulance and it'll just keep on going," he said. "But some of our guys have been in Ireland, dealing with joy-riders. We'll put five rounds in the driver and stop it for good."

Part of Corporal Kerr's job will be to prevent unauthorised departures from the memorial service tomorrow. Only civilians incapacitated by radiation sickness will be excused. "It sounds brutal but we've got to educate these people about all the favours we've been doing them all this time," said the corporal. "If they'd just stop insurging for a moment, they'd see how much good we've already achieved."

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