The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

News 2020

Futures traders wishing to profit unfairly from the revelations contained herein are invited to apply to the reporter with appropriate incentives

Trafalgar Square, the well-known London tourist attraction and pigeon sanctuary, is to have a facelift next year, the junior Heritage and Culture minister, Victoria Beckham, announced today.

The site of Nelson's Column has suffered some slight damage over recent years because of the number of tourists who flock to admire the famous monument and the statues of other British military heroes in the square. Also to blame is the square's status as a sanctuary for London's pigeons, which have become rare in the last decade owing to the predations of asylum seekers and benefit claimants.

Many low-income elements still persist in catching and eating the birds, although the Health and Welfare Department has repeatedly pointed out that the city contains far more rats than pigeons.

The presence of the birds means that the fountains surrounding Nelson's Column have become blocked, and the statues of British military heroes - Napier, Havelock, King George IV and Norman Schwarzkopf - are nearly unrecognizable.

The Heritage and Culture Department proposes to replace the stationary statues with automated replicas of the four men, which will talk about their exploits at the push of a button. Credit card slots will be installed in the base of each plinth, and proceeds will be used by Westminster's Shirley Porter Memorial Cleaning Company for the maintenance and upkeep of the square.

The Government will also consider installing security measures to deal with the problem of pigeon poachers. "We're looking at infra-red detectors and automatic riot guns in the lions' mouths," said Ms Beckham. Another possibility might be to rent riot guns and plastic ammunition to the tourists, thus utilising the assistance of responsible members of the public in removing the poachers.

"We're considering a number of options," Ms Beckham said. "But the public can rest assured that, one way or another, our British heritage will be protected."

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