The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

News 2020

All the breaking news - fifteen years before events come together

Police used tear gas, plastic bullets and harsh language to disperse rioters after an ostensibly peaceful protest over food shortages was taken over by leftwing activists and Islamic fundamentalists yesterday.

The protest began as a march through London towards the Houses of Parliament, with participants holding banners with pro-nourishment slogans. However, this turned out to be a calculated ruse to lull police into a false sense of positive security situation.

Rioting began after armoured police intervened to detain suspected terrorist suspects suspected to be suspected of suspicious activities. Under the Disincentivisation of Evil Act, police are legally obliged to detain anyone believed to "participate in terrorist activities or the giving of aid and comfort to those suspected of participating in terrorist activities or the obstruction of investigation of those suspected of so participating, whether by concealing information, giving false information, failing to promptly report suspicious activity, looking at a police officer in a funny way and so forth."

As soon as the 5,000 armed police deployed to block off all escape routes for the suspects and began driving the remaining thousand or so marchers up a nearby alley for protection, they were rushed by hundreds of Islamic and leftist militants.

"Almost none of the rioters were carrying placards," said Chief Superintendent Myron Bodger this morning. "Those that did have placards were using them in an aggressive manner against police officers, and were obviously not bona fide protesters as defined by the law."

The law defines a protester as "anyone using peaceful and non-obstructive means to register legitimate dissent without causing undue bother to anyone," while stipulating that the so-called "right to protest" is not a mandate to make trouble, but merely a democratic privilege accorded by generous governments.

The shadow law and order spokesperson, Peregrine Widgery, accused the Government of allowing anarchy on the streets of the capital. "This is simply one more example of the Government being soft on crime," Mr Widgery said. "No democratic government can call itself effectual if it permits itself to be criticised by the mob rather than by the elected representatives of those who have been inculcated with more positive and civilised attitudes."

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