The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

News 2020

It isn't true yet, but it will be

The commander of Special Embassies Iraq Zone United Response Executive (SEIZURE) has requested UN personnel to stop referring to Iraqi personnel by terms that might be construed as offensive by a mentality not accustomed to freedom of speech and thought.

The request referred specifically to a number of Iraqi "doctors" and "medical personnel" who have been held in custody for the past seventeen years on suspicion of being involved in the production of fake stories about weapons of mass destruction with which to beguile innocent western governments.

Iraq was invaded in 2003 because it was thought to pose a threat to world peace. However, after the invasion it emerged that the Iraqi leadership had been involved in a monumental bluff designed to shore up the country's failing international prestige and prevent the spread of freedom.

Among the nicknames given to the Iraqi custodial beneficiaries are "Chemical Walid" and "Mrs Anthrax". The US Ambassador to Iraq, Claiborne F Minuteman, has now said that such nicknames are unacceptable.

"Peacekeeping troops should also take care not to use potentially offensivatising nomenclature in relation to those in civilian uniform," the statement continued.

Many UN troops are prone to refer to Iraqis as "towel head" because of the quaint traditional headdress worn by many of them to protect the back of the neck from the sun, probably in mimicry of the knotted handkerchief introduced by working-class British troops a century ago. American military necks rarely require such accoutrements, thanks to the protection afforded by the natural roseate tint with which God created them.

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