The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, January 21, 2005

News 2020

Bringing you closer to the future

The Ministry of Freedom has announced a new package of measures to deal with offensive internet sites and unsolicited mail. The initiatives will supplement and extend the protective measures initiated by the then Prime Minister, Lord Blair of Belmarsh, during his groundbreaking third term in office, said Minister of Freedom Bowdler Squabley.

"The measures will be strong and strict, yet fair and flexible," Mr Squabley said. "They will be tough but just, easily comprehensible yet comprehensively thorough. They will protect the public's peace of mind without endangering free speech; they will protect the interests of advertisers without offering solace to antisocial elements."

Mr Squabley then gave further details of each of these points. The Government had attempted and achieved a balance between strength and strictness which was fit for a modern society, appropriate to one of the world's greatest democracies and certainly far better than anything the opposition could come up with, he said.

The fairness and flexibility of the laws would be a joy to behold and a considerable source of wonderment to any unprejudiced observer, while the toughness, justice, comprehensibility and comprehensihivitality of the measures would suffice in all respects to bring about the total and complete elimination of all undesirable electronic communications and the total and utter cleanliness of the British internet within a very reasonable space of time, Mr Squabley stated.

The measures will aim to prevent unsolicited electronic mail via the upgrading of monitoring capabilities and the further deregulation of the server market, the minister said. The law will also entitle all customers to expect any queries regarding services to be dealt with in less than the time they had previously considered excessive. "Maximum flexibility combined with reasonably effective consumer care," would be the watchword, Mr Squabley said.

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