The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

News 2020

News so new it hasn't happened yet

Native police units in the Democratic Republic of Baghdad have captured a "significant sublieutenant" of the terrorist organisation al-Qaeda, the Republic's president stated today.

Al-Qaeda, the shadowy Islamic fundamentalist terrorist group which includes all other shadowy Islamic fundamentalist terrorist groups except those which are not included, carried out the terrorist attack on America on 11 September 2001, when America was attacked by terrorists.

The shadowy Islamic organisation is also thought to be behind much of the insurgent fundamentalist terrorism in the Middle East. The run-up to the elections has been fraught with Islamic violence and intimidation, despite the presence of a quarter of a million UN peacekeepers including more than 200,000 from the United States, 35,000 from Britain and about 10,000 from lesser nations.

Amazingly, the capture took place with only a week to go before the Democratic Republic goes to the polls in what are very nearly the first fairly democratic elections in the region's history.

The Baghdad government's score of terrorist captures often goes up significantly with an election in the offing, prompting concern in the US and Britain that the native police are not quite giving of their best at other times. However, the president was quick to address such concerns in today's statement. "This is just one more proof," he said, "that the best antidote to the cancer of terrorism is the radiation treatment of non-depleted democracy."

The British Minister of Culture, Waynette Tunstall-Turnbull, who is in Baghdad giving advice on the setting-up of impartial broadcasting services, said that the Iraqi police had done "a splendid job."

Asked whether she thought the terrorist would be executed, Mrs Tunstall-Turnbull said, "We must hope that the civilised values our intervention has fostered will eventually prevail, but at the same time the ways of other cultures must be respected."

She also endorsed the president's words about the effect of democracy. "Every time there's an election here, it seems another high-ranking terrorist gets captured," she said. "Clearly, democracy is the poison which brings these rats out of their holes."

The US Ambassador to Iraq, Claiborne F Minuteman, expressed similar sentiments. "These guys are so unacclimatised to liberatory phenomena that the whiff of an election just makes them go hogwild," he said.

The captured terrorist, who cannot be named for copyright reasons, is thought to have been handed over to US peacekeepers, whose info-extractive prisoner interaction techniques are less likely to be bio-detrimental to the subject than the methods of the native police.

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