The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

News 2020

Easily digestible facts for the modern news consumer

International healthcare and moral reclamation giant Thrusting Therapeutics Inc. has denied that it is using medically untrained asylum seekers in British hospitals. The statement was a response to the Daily Maul's accusation earlier this week that up to 40% of the company's brain surgeons were illiterate, could not speak English and had criminal records.

The Government has contracted Thrusting Therapeutics to run many of Britain's prisons as well as the "standard class" tier of the health service, which caters to those consumers with chronic or terminal complaints who have failed to make adequate provision for private care.

The Maul piece alleged that Thrusting Therapeutics was deliberately using incompetent hospital staff as a "statistics landfill", in defiance of Government guidelines which advise against such activities and warn that they may not be altogether desirable in certain situations.

A statistics landfill, or "number hole", is the practice of deliberately bringing about an undesirable situation so as to have a ready explanation for any problems encountered by the company. "Because of the lack of appropriate selection procedures to prevent admission of terminal cases, many patients die in standard class hospitals," the Maul pointed out.

This can lead to an unfavourable position on the league tables and a potential drop in profits for the company. According to the Maul, the presence of incompetent staff provides a handy pretext for the high death statistics, which can be "buried" by instituting some token disciplinary procedures, without costing the company too much money. Hence the term, statistics landfill.

"They just let these illegal immigrants out on probation, allow them to claim benefits at the taxpayer's expense, slap a white coat on them and use them in hospitals," said Maul editor Bodger Swilbrite today. "The company doesn't have to pay for skilled labour, the illegal immigrant gets to stay in the country and not go back somewhere where he might have to work for a living, and everybody's happy except the piles of dead patients in the corridors."

Pausing only to wipe away the foam, Mr Swilbrite continued, "Corridors which haven't been properly cleaned because the staff best fitted for the job have all gone off to become brain surgeons. There are five billion poor people in the world, you know. It is regrettable, but England is a small island and cannot provide for all of them."

In its statement today, Thrusting Therapeutics denied the Maul's charges. "Our moral reclamation institutes have no asylum seekers in residence," said spokesman Turbot Huxter. "Our hospital staff are subjected to the most meticulous vetting procedures that are consistent with good financial practice and the well-being of some of the patients."

It was true that residents from the company's moral reclamation institutes were working in hospitals, Mr Huxter said. However, contrary to the story in the Daily Maul, there were no brain surgeons among them and the presence of half a dozen compulsive serial killers in the terminal wards was purely for non-statistical purposes, Mr Huxter said.

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