The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

News 2020

Public health advance to make repossession a thing of the past

Health service repossessions could soon be a thing of the past, thanks to a new genetic advance by scientists working at the health research facility at Porton Down in Britain.

The pioneering genetic modification allows for a precisely calculated time limit to be built into the effective functionality of any given biological unit, including eyes, hearts, livers, hip bones and other health service commodities.

"It's a substantial achievement both for modern science and for public health in the twenty-first century," commented Professor Morgan Harvester of National Health plc, the company which the Government has contracted to deal with the health of those without adequate private insurance.

The Minister of Human Resource Conservation, Angharad Bollweevil, has promised to fast-track legislation enabling health companies to utilise the new time-limit technology in their transplantation products.

It is hoped that in as little as five years' time, organ repossession as we know it today could be a thing of the past.

"Hunting down defaulters and gouging out their transplants, the way we do today, has always been inefficient and messy," Professor Harvester said. "With this new technology, the transplanted product simply decays into nothing once the time limit is reached."

The proposed legislation will include an obligation for health companies to give consumers "adequate advance warning" that their transplant's time limit is about to be reached.

"It should be possible to build a warning system into the transplant product itself, which will cause the consumer periodic and increasing discomfort until he or she goes to the hospital to have the transplant replaced," Professor Harvester said.

Thanks to the probable decrease in the number of defaulting transplant consumers, the Government's proposed safeguard would probably not inhibit the economic viability of the scheme, Professor Harvester added.

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