The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

News 2020

Listen to the children, say ministers

The five children involved in this year's junior school lynching have been released without charge thanks to the personal intervention of the Home Secretary and the Ministry of Freedom.

The five, who cannot be named until the Sun publishes their parents' memoirs, were all involved in the hanging of a younger child from their school. "This case proves the importance of listening to our children," the Minister of Freedom said.

According to police reports, the execution proceeded swiftly and "was very professionally carried out," although it is noted that the rope was too short and the consumer died of slow suffocation rather than instantaneously from a broken neck.

However, the report makes it clear that no sadism was intended. "He probably kicked a bit, and the kids would have enjoyed that," said the father of one of the children released today. "But they didn't mean anything by it, they were just doing their best."

The Home Secretary and the Minister of Freedom intervened when it became clear that the children were acting for the general good despite being technically "in breach of the law".

Police discovered that the executionee was a loner and misfit at school. This was confirmed by his teachers, several of whom commented on his imprudence at allowing himself to be outnumbered. The five children had also suspected him of carrying weapons in his pockets.

"This was untrue, as it happened," the Home Secretary said today. "Nevertheless, it was their deep and sincere belief, and I'm sure nobody would deny that, had they been correct in that belief, their actions would have averted the most deplorable consequences."

The Ministry of Freedom's interest in the case was aroused by the children's claim that they had heard the culprit being called "gay" by some of his classmates. They had also seen the Government's controversial advertisements on prime-time children's television, encouraging children to "keep an eye out" for terroristic behaviour while regularly reminding their parents to help maintain consumer demand.

"Although technically legal after the age of majority, homosexuality is widely regarded as immoral and disgusting and I don't think it's right to make adverse cultural judgements against people who hold that opinion," the Minister of Freedom said today.

Both ministers expressed satisfaction that the children could now go home. It was "somewhat ironic", the Home Secretary said, that society made heroes out of those who saved lives by preventing the use of real weapons, while other interventions, equally sincere and deep but slightly less based in reality, often drew criticism and even hostility as a result.

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