The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Monday, August 29, 2005

News 2020

Pentagon denies blasphemy in faith schools report

America could one day run out of ballistically-oriented human resources because of the excessive liberality of its faith-school policy, a controversial study claims today.

The Pentagon-sponsored study notes that the number of high school graduates in physics, biochemistry, geometry and other defence-related subjects has been falling steadily for nearly a decade.

Although other defence-related subjects such as football, cheerleading and Christian morality continue to achieve a high achievement of graduacy, standards are tailing off even among those who succeed in qualifying in the so-called "sciences", the study claims.

Schools which teach that the earth is flat and stands still come in for particular criticism. Such schools may be contributing to a "lack of student confidence" in fields such as ballistic missile efficientiation and space militarisation-for-pacificity projects, the study claims.

The claims brought an indignant rebuttal from faith-based school corporations all over the country. The Reverend Robertson Patsy, whose TV learning show You Better Believe It is watched by 10 million American pre-schoolers up to age 40 every morning, called for the arraignment of the study's authors on charges of blasphemy and treason against the Holy Spirit.

The Pentagon was quick to deny that the anonymously-authored study intended any criticism of faith-based education, the compulsory right to which is a mainstay of the Homeland Constitution.

"America's military are pledged to defend the Constitution and that is what America's military will defend," said Pentagon spokesperson Colonel Brubaker B Buford XII.

Asked whether the study recommended a review of Department of Juvenile Enlightenment policy on faith-based education, Colonel Buford said that it was "not the Pentagon's job to tell America's educative resources what to do".

As the faith-based community continues to liberate the country's children from the ravages of 1970s experimentalism over the next few years, plans are thought to be in progress to outsource America's national intercontinental ballistic requirements to China.

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