The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

News 2020

Punctilious Albion

The Home Secretary has vowed to "eliminate nastiness in all its forms from society" by the time of the next voting season "whenever it may occur."

His words mark a significant escalation in the war on nastiness which was begun during the premiership of Lord Blair of Belmarsh.

During the historic third term of the historically term-thirded Blair administration, the then NewNuLab government intervened to depoveratise Africa's under-fives and promoted fiscally nontraumatic solutions to climate change before being reminded by the then US President George W Bush that the will of God must be respected.

The Home Secretary today appealed for a return to the "kinder, gentler England" of the 1950s, when despite the austerity budgets of Attlee's NHS government, "people could leave their front doors unlocked and everyone helped everyone else."

"I was no older at that time than many children are these days," the Home Secretary said, "and I distinctly recall never once seeing in the newspapers any of the shocking stories of child abuse and excessive asylum seekers which at present are practically a daily occurrence every day of the week."

He added that during the next Parliament he would introduce new legislation to "aggressively promote" respectful behaviour and opportunify national humiliation of those who failed to behave appropriately.

Among other measures, Muslims will be required to remove their headgear in the presence of ladies, and when on the street "will be expected to doff their fez or turban to indicate their respect for British values and the British people".

The measure would "lay to rest once and for all any suspicion that this Government discriminates against the headgear of minorities," the Home Secretary said.

Human rights groups have been protesting for several years that the laws against hooded behaviour are "too draconian" and should be flexibilitised.

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