The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

News 2020

White House tries to douse fires of Muslim indignation

The US Commander-in-Chief has instructed embassy staff in the Islamic world to sensitivitise their approach to the disposal of Muslim collateral damage.

The White House is said to be worried that an Islamic backlash may result from the showing of images of American troops disrespecting the corpses of terrorist suspects.

The 47 suspects were "aggressively cavity-investigated" by US troops using standard issue 7.62mm probing devices. With tragic irony, it was only after many of the suspects had died that the soldiers realised none of them was armed. The suspects were then re-classified as accidental civilian casualties.

The soldiers then cremated the bodies, a practice disapproved of by Muslims, who are not yet sufficiently democratised to appreciate the benefits of a Western open-casket grieve-in.

Speaking from the Oval Bunker, the Commander-in-Chief emphasised that "no lover of freedom would wish to try and stop an American soldier in the course of his international duties."

However, the Commander-in-Chief went on to say that Americans abroad must respect local custom "provided it does not obstruct our efforts in the war on terror, the battle for democracy, the fight for freedom, the attack for peace, the cruise missile raid for civic pride, and so forth."

Three of the US embassies in Iraq have issued statements about the cremation. While omitting the term "apology" because of cultural factors, they expressed regret over the incident and explained that "the incendiary option" had been favoured only because no bulldozers were immediately available to the troops.

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