The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

News 2020

Anti-generositisation elements hamper British charitability, report finds

Charitable donations by the British public are at an all-time low despite unprecedented levels of wage efficientisation, a Government report revealed today.

The Department of Overseas Opportunification and Maintenance called the figures "disappointing" and said that they were "no reflection on the generosity of the British public, but rather the work of an eternally disaffected, anti-charitable minority".

The decline in charitability as a quintessentially British character trait could have "serious consequences" for little brown people all over the non-globalised parts of the globe, according to the Minister for Overseas Opportunification, Claire Kurtz.

"We all know that Britain's armed forces are dedicated to the war on poverty in Afghanistan," Ms Kurtz said today. "I think there are some people at home who could do with remembering the kind of sacrifices our troops have to make."

The number of refugee camps in the country had been halved over the last two years, thanks in no small part to humanitarian bombing by the RAF, she said.

But bombing, even with state-of-the-art bunker-busting "earthworm cruncher" mini-smart-nukes, could only achieve so much, Ms Kurtz continued.

"Those leaving the refugee camps often lack sufficient knowledge of market forces to survive in a modern democracy and so they slip back into poverty and risk becoming talibanised or even turning into asylum seekers," she said.

"In their culture this would be seen as a tragedy, so under the Government's public-private partnership initiative, individuals in Britain have a unique opportunity to incentivise the private sector to do more to help the semi-globalised world."

The initiative, which is seen as the Government's latest bunker-busting battle front in the war against poverty, allows businesses to count private donations by employees as part of their own charitable contributions.

The Home Office is expected to announce new initiatives to combat anti-charitability within the next few weeks.

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