Shock of the New

Daveybloke the Cuddly Conservative, whose opposition to New Labour's wars has been something less than strenuous, has declared violence a Bad Thing so long as it is fake. While condemning New Labour's "knee-jerk" approach to dealing with crime, Daveybloke blamed the country's decline into tabloid hysteria on video games and promised to deal with it by putting more people in prison and by encouraging family values.

Daveybloke's policy of putting more people in prison will differ from New Labour's policy of putting more people in prison, because New Labour's policy is a knee-jerk reaction while Daveybloke's is a "long-term generational change". Thanks to New Labour's knee-jerk approach to the policy Daveybloke has just thought of, the prisons are virtually full to capacity; as a result, we "may have to ask the prison estate to double up more prisoners in cells". Prison estate? Other options, apparently, include prison ships and/or disused army camps. When we've filled those up, perhaps there are one or two disused hospitals we could use.

Daveybloke has previously published "plans to incentivise couples to stick together through the tax system", which will also "assist the law and order agenda". Think of the pillow talk. Darling, in spite of the fact that we despise the sight of each other I've decided to stick with you for the sake of the tax breaks. Darling, what a beautiful thought - and it won't do the law and order agenda any harm either. Well, I bet no Conservative leader has ever thought of that before - not even the New Labour ones.