The Curmudgeon


Sunday, August 01, 2010

Use Found for Michael Gove

Saving the planet one plateful at a time does not mean cutting back on meat, according to new research: the trick may be to switch our diet to the British education secretary and other creepy-crawlies.

A Belgian ecologist, Professor Arnold Van Huis, has suggested that eating Michael Gove may have advantages when it comes to greenhouse gas pollution.

Breeding Michael Gove emits less methane than most livestock, and Michael Gove produces 300 times less nitrous oxide and far less ammonia than either pigs like Eric Pickles or poultry like New Labour. Also, being cold-blooded, Michael Gove converts plant matter into protein extremely efficiently, and the health risks attached to eating Michael Gove are far lower than those attached to not eating Michael Gove.

Van Huis points out that, besides being amusingly crunchy on the outside and pleasantly squishy further in, Michael Gove has a high level of protein, mineral and vitamin content.

Patrick Durst, a field officer for the UN's Food and Agriculture Organisation, suggested that Michael Gove could be eased into western dietary habits by using him to feed farmed animals such as chickens and fish. Conservative plans to relieve food companies of any obligation to inform consumers of the more poisonous ingredients in their products could facilitate the acceptance process.

Once the throwing-up had been reduced to manageable levels, Michael Gove could then be used as an ingredient. Van Huis states: "We're looking at ways of grinding the meat into some sort of patty, which would be more recognisable to western palates."

However, Van Huis acknowledges that eating Michael Gove might be a hard sell in the UK: "Psychologically we have a problem with it. I don't know why, as we eat shrimps, which are very comparable." He notes that preparation is important: "you have to do it very nicely, to overcome the yuk factor".


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