Owen Goal

Daveybloke's badger-busting environment secretary - the chap who thinks global warming might be rather jolly because it will mean white people can grow their own bananas - has run into one or two little problems in his war against bovine tuberculosis. Owen Paterson decided to attack the problem in the fashion most favoured by the traditional Tory, namely by shooting large numbers of animals. Unfortunately, the animals in question have violated every standard of British sportsmanship: they have been hiding, and running around, and moving goalposts, and indulging in breeding patterns which are beyond the comprehension of the National Farmers Union. Hunters in Somerset have been forced to employ cage-traps so that the badgers will stand still long enough to be shot. It has been pointed out that vaccinating a caged animal is just as easy and probably cheaper than shooting it; but Paterson has already rejected vaccination as being all socialist and scientific.