Hosepipe Bans to Increase Until 2100

Deprived of the scientific wisdom of Owen Paterson, and after only twenty years of increasingly hot summers and increasingly mild winters, the Meteorological Office has discovered climate change. Against all common sense, mere scientists have proclaimed that global warming means Britain will warm up too; making, as Britain's leading liberal newspaper noted in a minor squib, "scorchers the norm", with all the droughts, floods and hosepipe bans entailed thereby. The Met Office stopped short of recommending more river-dredging, better badger-busting or a bounty for Serco on every prole boiled or drowned; but, mindful of its funding, it did qualify its observations with the caveat that "cold winters and wet summers just become less likely, and we will still have to be prepared for them". Translated from the Modern Standard Whitehall, this means that nothing much will continue to be done.