Voices of Virtue

Eighteen countries, including the world's moral leader and its favourite ally, have given Hamas a bit of a nudge about freeing the remaining hostages in the Gaza ghetto. The families of those kidnapped on 7 October have long accused the Netanyahoo of making too little effort to secure their release; and after only half a year of cheering him on the international paragons seem to be coming around to the families' point of view. There is even a chance that some of the less intellectually British governments may eventually tumble to the possibility that a happy ending to a hostage situation is rarely made more likely by dropping American quantities of high explosive on the area where the hostages are held. Meanwhile, the statement by the ethical eighteen may have allowed honesty to trump diplomacy by a slightly excessive degree in noting that the fate of the hostages is causing about as much genuine international concern as that of the civilian terrorist population.

Classroom Ventilation

Legislators in the God-fearing state of Tennessee have responded to last year's school shooting at Nashville in the most Murcan way imaginable: namely by licensing teachers to carry concealed handguns in school. According to a survey by the wishy-washy liberals at the Rand Corporation, a fairly large majority of American teachers believe that pedagogues who pack would not make schools safer, and more than half believe they would make schools more dangerous; and this in a country which has boasted a school shooting resulting in injury or death once every nine and a half days this year. Nevertheless, parents and teachers protesting against the law were removed by armed men on the orders of the state's house speaker; which demonstrates, if nothing else, that unconcealed weapons also have their advantages when it comes to imparting appropriate social values.

Compassion Actually

Five migrants, including a child have got thoroughly into the spirit of St George's Day by saving British jobs in the Channel, thereby proving the necessity for a fate worse than death as a deterrent to future invaders. Having finally pushed the Rwanda Transportation Bill past the House of Donors, Fishy Rishi has toddled off to Poland to brag about Britain's future wog-bombing capabilities, but took the opportunity to inform reporters that deporting refugees to central Africa is an act of tough love in pursuit of a better business model. Poland, where so many people were rescued from the pain of being Untermenschen while Mr Churchill was busy winning the Second World War, evidently seemed an appropriate venue for a joke along those lines, even though the parents of the deterred child were not present to appreciate it.

Putting Our Money Where Our Morals Are

Among the abiding glories of British justice is, of course, the presumption of innocence for the right sort of people. Following its snap decision to suspend funding for the United Nations Relief and Works Agency in the wake of Israel's evidence-free claim that UNRWA was a pawn of Hamas, Britain is unlikely to make a snap decision to restore the funding just because Israel's claim remains as evidence-free as ever. Some countries have subscribed to the Protocols of the Elders of Gaza and resumed sending money, but Britain is unlikely to follow their example because those countries do not include the USA. In any case, it appears that the Righteous State's accusations have already served at least part of their purpose, allowing collaborators to condone the targeting of UNRWA premises and personnel with, if possible, an even clearer conscience than before.

Britain First

Since Labour is the party of working people, it is only natural that the CEO of Team Starmer should be burbling rah-rah and goo-goo at the readership of Britain's great Press bastion of bile-spewing senility. In a meditation upon patriotism for St George's Day, after the style of St Anthony of Baghdad before his transfiguration, the apostle proclaimed that the Conservative Party has forfeited the right to call itself patriotic; apparently on the grounds that it cannot withstand dissent sufficiently to denounce its leadership's critics as antisemites. The Conservatives have also trashed a number of national institutions, in whose foundation any patriot would be proud and grateful to have played the usual retrospective part between winning world wars. Cited examples include the NHS, to whose continuing effective abolition Team Starmer has repeatedly committed itself; and NATO, an organisation for killing people in the interests of transnational corporations. For good measure, the CEO of Team Starmer also shrugged off concerns which have been raised by the lesser breeds over the orgasmic splurging of the St George cross and its subordinates across Labour's election propaganda. Along with all the other democratic virtues, dissent combined with tolerance is a famously British trait, and readers of the Maily Toryguff will doubtless rejoice that their votes are so much more tolerable to Team Starmer than those of the fuzzy-wuzzies.

Dastardly and Mottley

Extreme woke elements in the secessionist Republic of Barbados are angry at plans to purchase land from Richard Grosvener Plunkett-Ernle-Erle Drax, whose family was prominent in the Atlantic slave trade. Mia Mottley's government, which has pledged to build ten thousand new homes and seems to have a bizarre un-British obsession with following through on the pledge, is negotiating to buy a few football pitches' worth of the Drax estate for housing. A number of Barbadians have expressed dissatisfaction with the idea of Drax profiting by his ancestors' plantationeering, apparently under the impression that a squillionaire British Conservative expenses claimant might somehow be induced to substitute reparations for rah-rah. For his own part, Richard Grosvener Plunkett-Ernle-Erle Drax does not believe that people should be judged by events that happened hundreds of years ago, having evidently earned his sixteenth-century ancestral mansion and substantial chunks of Dorset and North Yorkshire purely by the sweat of his brow.

It's Not How Fast You Grind, It's Who You Grind

Italian prosecutors have ended the seven-year trial of a German NGO rescue boat crew by the quaint expedient of admitting straight out that there is no evidence against them. This technicality went unnoticed until now thanks to the indisputable heinousness of the crew's conduct, which included endangering some fourteen thousand jobs and conspiring to dilute the heritage of the master race. In response the Italian government pumped money into the Libyan coastguard, which has done so much to help matters in the Mediterranean ever since Britain's glistening pink Head Boy helped bomb the country into freedom. The crew was bugged, and other crews were infiltrated with government spies; while others suspected of fraternising with the migrant hordes have been reporting levels of threat and harassment worthy of the British scumbag press. On the bright side, the rescue boat crew have endured seven years of stress and defamation; and thousands who might otherwise have been rescued will have drowned or been forcibly removed to somwehere most of His Majesty's Government probably wouldn't know from Rwanda. Whether prosecutors will be permitted to re-start the wheels of justice turning all over again on the basis of new non-evidence remains as yet unclear.

Wrong Side for a Street

There is more than one way to execute a rodentine maritime evacuation manoeuvre. One can charge crudely for the lifeboats, elbowing aside the women and children while trumpeting one's devotion to duty and humble pleasure in public service; or one can pull in one's scaly tail, dye one's fur a pleasanter shade, temporarily forego the perks that accrue to a messenger boy for the plague, and pretend to be a hamster. One or two staunch Conservatives have taken the latter course, including Brand Andy, the mayor of the West Midlands. Brand Andy describes himself as more of a businessman than a politician, presumably in order to differentiate himself from Fishy Rishi, whose business connections are purely marital and therefore nearly as negligible as his political skills. Brand Andy is also pushing himself as a rebellious sort who stands up to Westminster: a line also taken by my own soon-to-be-erstwhile expenses claimant, who trumpeted his independence from Westminster shortly before taking a job as a whip for the National Johnson. Brand Andy's defiance of Westminster has so far consisted of calmly accepting Fishy Rishi's cancelling of HS2, though whether he did so as a result of his political instincts or his commercial ones remains as yet unclear. For the moment Brand Andy and others are removing from their propaganda all mention of the party they proudly support, while hoping to crawl back into office on a delicate combination of personal charm and voter stupidity. If one didn't know better, one might think they had something to be embarrassed about.

Worthy of Our Trust

While Britain's unelected peers continue to obstruct the Rwanda transportation bill with their insistence on, of all things, conformity with the law, the nation's partner in wog disposal seems to have acquired an enviable set of British values to go with all that money. Rwanda's president commemorated the thirtieth anniversary of his country's non-meritorious genocide by attending a football match, while his government told ordinary citizens to restrict their activities to the sober and non-frivolous. The moral affinity with His Majesty's Government shone forth brighter still when a Rwandan government spokesbeing blamed the police. According to a Downing Street anonymoid, Paul Kagame "was here to see the football and came in to see the prime minister," casually taking a break from recreation to drop in and discuss what is, after all, merely Fishy Rishi's flagship policy. With all these cultural advantages allied to a no-nonsense, can-do attitude to political opposition and 98.8% of the vote at his last election, it is scarcely surprising that His Majesty's Government considers the president such a safe pair of hands.

Charity Cakeism

Much to the annoyance of the global south, and apparently somewhat to the surprise of Britain's leading liberal newspaper, the global north has provided little support for the mitigation of the climate catastrophe despite being largely responsible for the problem. In equally unfathomable fashion, the Government whose current leader sees public office largely as a means of helping his relatives dodge their taxes has been fiddling the figures on climate aid. Even the reduction of the international workhouse pittance from the giddy generosity of seven-tenths of one per cent of the nation's credit card thrift bonus has proven insufficiently prudent for the party of La Truss and the National Johnson; so His Majesty's Government has substituted repackaging for reimbursement and has called some already-paid money something else instead. Baron Goldsmith of Richmond Park, whose pitch for mayor of London was that Sadiq Khan was an Islamist fiend who would rob hard-working Hindoos of their sacred bling, and whose quickness on the uptake evidently rivals that of Britain's leading liberal newspaper, has voiced concerns that such behaviour might adversely affect Albion's unrivalled international reputation for straight talk, square dealing and civilised values.